Raising a Selp-Disciplined Child

Robert Brooks, Ph.D and Sam Goldstein, Ph.D.

Article by Cathy Wood,Central California Parent, January 2008

It's one of those mornings - inevitably a Monday when I need to be at work early, and the kids and I are candidates for a visit from Super Nannyu.  The dogs aren't fed, the cat is still locked in shed, the bathroom's a mess, my seven year old can;t find her shoes and to top it all off there's a screaming match going on over who's going to pt the milk away.  It's 7:15!  Get in the car NOW! I bark while dumping food in the dog dish and snatching the milk off the counter on my way to let out the cat.

By the time I drop them off at school, I'm stressed and they're sulking.  Alas, Super Nanny was unavailable for a consultation, but I did manage to get in touch with two guys who have heard it all, Robert Brooks.Ph.D and Sam Soldstein, Ph.D., authors of Raising a Selp-Disciplined Child (McGraw-Hill, Sept. 2007, $22.95) The first thing they feel parents like me need to do is think about how we discipline and what we hope to accomplish.  in their opinion, "Discipline is a teaching process. A disciplinarian is not a parent who punishes or intimidates, and the goal isn't to produce compliant, obedient kids.  Rather, we want to keep our children safe, help them learn self-discipline and become responsible for their own actions and choices."

Q. Some parents contend that a spanking is the most effective way to get their kids to listne.  What are your views on spanking?

A. Well, beyond the ethical issues of striking children as a mean of helping the, we don;t believe it works.   While some children may stop certain behaviors because they're afraid of bieng hit, many children become increasingly angry when spanked.  In a lot of ways spanking, along with yelling, send the message "as long as I am bigger and stronger than you , I can hit you when you misbehave so that you will listen to me" .  When children experience spanking as a regular means fo discipline they ofter develop agressive, angry way of dealing with others.

Q. In place of spanking one thing you highly recommend is a problem-solving approach to discipline.  What do you mean?

A. Even young children can discuss ways to change negative behaviors.  Instead of screaming, hitting or simply ignoring when children misbehave, parents can talk with their children about why certain behavior is unaccepatble and ask what their kids might do to help the situation.  When kids are part of the solution process they are more likely to follow through.

Q. While some parents are overly harsh their with kids, why is it that so manyh other parents seem reluctant to set any limits or consequences when their children misbehave?

A. The reason vary, but it's important for parents to realize a mojor role of parenting is being a desciplinarian.  Remember the workd discipline is rooted in the word disciple and implies a teaching process.  Although children may not always think us for setting limits, they feel safe and loved when we set realistic consequences.  Some parents, unfortunately, are hesitant to set donsequences because they're afraid their childr en might get mad at them.  That may well happen, but it's OK.  Other parents mistakenly believe that children will elarn on their own.  This isn't the case.  Still other parents don't have a clear idea of appropriate expectations or realistice consequences, which leands them to do nothing when their children misbehave.

Q. You advocate the importance of a preventive approach, noting that parents must shift from a reactive to a proactive style of discipline.  Can you explain what you mean?

A. Think of it as prevention rather than intervention.  Usually parents seek our advice about how to handle their children once they've already done something wrong (intervention).  But we'd like parents to consider what they can do to lessen the chance of misbehavior (prevention).  While you can't totally eliminate all episodes of mishehavior, to focus almost exclusively o consequences for misbehavior is a reactive approach; parents are pulled from one difficult situation to antoher.  That's an exhausting, conterproductive process. 

Q. What are examples of an preventative approach?

A. There are many, but here are two.  The first involves understanding your child's tempermanent and not bringing him into situations he can't handle.  For instance, we've worked with parents of hyperactive kdis who continually bring them into a large supermarket and then punish them for running around.  It's better not to bring them at all since you're inviting trouble.  A second example is to enlist kids in helping out by saying, "I need your help."  We believe children posses an inborn need to help and an instinctual optmism that when they help, life will go well.  When children are asked for their help, they are less likely to engage in negative behaviors.

Q. Kids often accuse their parents of nagging them and then tune their parents out.  How do you get kids to listen?

A. We use a problem solving approach.  Many parnts nag their kids, although most would call it "reminding" them.  As we know, the seemingly same event is often experienced very differently by parents and kdis.  One way to lessen the feeling of being nagged is for parents to directly ask their kids, "Is there any way I can remind you without your feeling that I'm always on your back and nagging you?"  While most children will initially say"No" or "Just stop reminding me," parents can persist and say they would really like to be able to find a way. We have worked with kids who have suggested that parents hold up a sign to remind them or that a list of responsibilities be posted.  When the ideas of how to be reminded come from kids, they are less likely to rexperience them as parental nagging.

Q. You write that it's important for parents to recognize that one of the most powerful, effective forms of discipline is positive feedback and encouragement.  Don't most parents realize this? 

A. No!. It's important for parents to recognize that punishment is jut one form of discipline and often not a very effective form, since it focuses more on what shouldn't be done than on what should be done.  In contrast, positive feedback and encouragement emphasize the reinforcement of positive behaviors and recognize that all children have strengths or "islands of competence" that should be celebrated.  A positive approach also nurtures a strong relationship between parent and child, which is crucial because- as we can't say often enought - discpline is most effective within a nurturing, trusting relationship.